the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
