If i come over, it means nothing
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
