When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
