um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
