I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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