My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
