thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
