so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Randomize
