New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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