then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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