Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
