Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
