i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
