I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
