We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
