You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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