i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
