I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I stole a fireplace last night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize