How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
