If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
