Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize