God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize