listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
