smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
