last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
