She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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