I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I cut my penus on the lid.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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