peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This house was built for laser tag.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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