god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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