We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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