I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
