I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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