Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
