I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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