Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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