My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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