the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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