so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
