i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
