All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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