I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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