I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
