I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
