Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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