I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
