He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
