i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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