Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
