he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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