It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
