Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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