separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize