She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
