the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
