New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
bring money and cleavage
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
