Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
