TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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