I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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