This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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