I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
